***

"The other day in Indiana, a woman burst into tears while
she was robbing a Long John Silver's and told the cashier,
'If I weren't down and out, I wouldn't be doing this.' Then
the cashier told her, 'That's what all our customers say.'"
-Conan O'Brien

***

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more com-
fortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing
in front of other women. They say that women are too judg-
mental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
--Jay Leno

***

"Westminster Dog Show is the granddaddy of them all. It is
the Oscars of dog shows. It's just like the Oscars, except
the speeches are shorter and slightly less butt-sniffing."
-Craig Ferguson